freedom

I am currently in a standstill in my life.


And I'm hating every moment of it.
Wasn't this supposed to be MY year?


There are a lot of ifs and buts swarming my head. I have yet to grab some composure to sort it all out. I recently moved back home after realizing how much money was being thrown away. With all the work and school that consumed my life, having my own place did not seem financially sound. Since then I have been able to pay large sums of money each month with the hope of being debt free in three years. As of late not a day has gone by that I have not thought about moving out (again). There was something about living on my own that was incredibly satisfying. It may have cost about $750/month but knowing that I played by my own rules was worth it. It paid for my freedom.

It is eating me alive. I do not feel comfortable at "home". All I ever want to do is leave. If I am not at home I am in LA, staying away for as long as possible. But then there is this guilt that eats away at me for leaving my siblings by themselves. They try to reassure me that they are okay, that they are used to it; but why should anybody have to be used to that?

What am I doing with my life? How many more years will it be until I pursue medicine? Once accepted, then what? How will I be able to support myself as a full time student? When will I get married? Kids? Finish school? Pay off loans? I want to move. I don't want to move. I hate work. I love work. I don't ever want to go back to work.

I want out.