freedom

I am currently in a standstill in my life.


And I'm hating every moment of it.
Wasn't this supposed to be MY year?


There are a lot of ifs and buts swarming my head. I have yet to grab some composure to sort it all out. I recently moved back home after realizing how much money was being thrown away. With all the work and school that consumed my life, having my own place did not seem financially sound. Since then I have been able to pay large sums of money each month with the hope of being debt free in three years. As of late not a day has gone by that I have not thought about moving out (again). There was something about living on my own that was incredibly satisfying. It may have cost about $750/month but knowing that I played by my own rules was worth it. It paid for my freedom.

It is eating me alive. I do not feel comfortable at "home". All I ever want to do is leave. If I am not at home I am in LA, staying away for as long as possible. But then there is this guilt that eats away at me for leaving my siblings by themselves. They try to reassure me that they are okay, that they are used to it; but why should anybody have to be used to that?

What am I doing with my life? How many more years will it be until I pursue medicine? Once accepted, then what? How will I be able to support myself as a full time student? When will I get married? Kids? Finish school? Pay off loans? I want to move. I don't want to move. I hate work. I love work. I don't ever want to go back to work.

I want out.

big baby

Every day so far of this week, I have cried. This week has actually been good! I finally got my first A in the whole quarter and am officially done with BIO 111-113 lab! One week from today I will be officially done with my first year of prerequisites.

Can you say, yay?

The crying, unfortunately, has come from watching reality tv shows. Specifically, tough love couples. The season has finally come to an end and it was at the end that each couple had to decide whether they would break up or get engaged. It was nice to see the couples grow and progress to (hopefully) engagement and a lifetime together. Hearing the promises and seeing how much each couple had grown made me cry like a little baby. In my defense, they were tears of joy! I am sure glad the season is over for now, but I cannot wait for the next season to come. I guess I will be saving my tears for next time.

VH1: Tough love couples Do it to it.

alone again.

light at the end of the tunnel

I previously posted of how chemistry had become much too difficult and a withdrawal from the class was in pursuit. However, as of recent events, that has changed. In speaking with the professor about my current situation, he refused to provide his signature until I spent one more day to contemplate my decision. I think I spent a good half an hour arguing my position but in the end my professor had won.

The first biology test of the quarter was returned to the students today. After lab, I proceeded to speak to my professor about my poorly done exam. He asked what happened. I hate giving excuses. Life will always be there to throw you lemons and you just have to make do with them. I explained how I was sick the week before the exam and fell behind in everything. I felt convinced that he was going to tell me to drop. To my surprise, he also told me to continue but to keep in touch with him.

Today I wanted to cry tears of joy. It seems like everyone else believes in me except myself. What happened? It is the end of the road and I am exhausted. But now I must prove to myself and my professors that I can do it! Half of the quarter is left!

When all seems lost, I always seem to find a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Praise God! Thank you to the professors who haven't lost hope in their students, even when they feel that there is nothing left to do. Thank you to my friends who continually support me as I struggle to complete the first year of many. You are the reasons why I persevere.

a little bit country

As of late, I have been listening to country music. More like pop/country. But still.

Whenever I am not feeling so great I like to purchase items from itunes. Not shoes or clothes but music. It is kind of a weird habit of mine. Last week I purchased the new Lady Antebellum album, Need You Now, and it is amazing!

Something about country music relaxes me. I think there is a little country girl living inside of me. But that is okay with me. She can stay.

In other news I am stuck at home with strep throat. How boring. I have been unproductive for the past two days! I have no energy and eating/drinking totally sucks what is left of the energy that is already lacking. Today I sat on the couch and did absolutely nothing. So if you were wondering how my running ambitions have been going, they have not, for obvious reasons. Hopefully training can resume next week.

I need to focus on getting rid of this illness. Antibiotics were started today and is only a 5 day course. Minor side effect- loose stools. They weren't lying, that's for sure.

26.21875 miles

I have decided that my new goal is to run a marathon. And in case you did not know, a marathon consists of 26.2 miles (26.21875 miles to be exact).

The internet has been a wonderful source as to how training should occur. I am currently following this guide.

26 weeks. 26 miles. Challenge accepted! Stay tuned as I update on my progress (or lack thereof).

Ready? Set. RUN.

mush

that is what has become of my brain.